The Guys Get a Christmas Tree

Matt: I’m- I’m going to get a Christmas tree! Ryan: (imitating Matt) (music) Ryan: He’s so bad at cleaning his asshole. Matt: Ohh, Banana, why? Matt: You’re not even going to help put the tree up? Ryan: Target. Matt: Aw, smell this one. Matt: That’s Christmas. Ryan: Let’s get both of them. Matt: Okay. (jarring sound) Matt: Yes, please. (DVD clattering) Matt: Hey Ryan. How *wood* you like this Christmas tree? (Matt fake laughing and then clapping) Matt: This looks like it’s made out of, like, lint from the.. couch. Matt: We can get a Christmas wreath, too. Ryan: God, we can’t spend that much money. Matt: But- Ryan: No! Remember what Mr Krabs once said? Ryan: Money, money, money- (both laughing) Ryan: (laughing) I can’t, I’m sorry- Ryan: Should we get a white one? Matt: No! Ryan: Put red lights on it? Matt: No! Matt: I want a green one! Matt: Just- get a regular green one. Ryan:Could we maybe get a compramise? Matt: Dude! Dude. Matt: Like weed. (jarring sound) Ryan: Feliz Navi*dad*, am I right? (Matt laughing) Matt: Hey you- you ever wanna spend $60 on a big white stick? Matt: Hey, Ryan, I didn’t know the trees were gonna be damn $500. Ryan: This is $10. Matt: For half of this price we could go get a real Christmas tree. Ryan: Really? Matt: Yeah, for like 60-70 dollars. Matt: We should get a real Christmas tree and just set it up in the apartment. Ryan: Yeah, yeah- God, do you know how much mess that would be? Matt: Gonna get a real Christmas tree because the fake ones were like- $400. Matt: And I thought that they would be 20-30 dollars. Matt: But they were $400, so. Ryan: What a better place to go, than Home Depot- Matt: They closed- they closed the Christmas tree lot. Matt: It’s closed. Matt: They’re still in there, but it’s closed. Ryan: Oh, my God. Matt: How are we gonna get a Christmas tree now? Matt: We’re going to a different Christmas tree lot. Ryan: Frosty’s Christmas Tree Farm. Matt: The Home Depot illegally shut down their Christmas tree lot Matt: an hour before it’s- online- say’s its- it’s closed. Matt: So we gotta go to Frosty’s Christmas Tree Lot. Matt: I don’t know where- it’s like 3 miles away. Matt: Ryan- he’s driving us. Matt: Yeah? Ryan: Yeah. Matt: Yeah? Ryan: Sorry, I was paying attention to the road. Matt: Don’t do that. (a woman singing ‘White Christmas’ but like. really fucking weird) Ryan: Oh, okay. Ryan: Well hot dog, here we are at- (Tucker laughing) Ryan: We’re here at Frosty’s Treehouse- of Horrors- and we’re gonna b- get a tree. Matt: Yeah. Pretty much. Matt: Thought you were gonna hit me in the nuts. Matt: Do you wanna get this one? Ryan: Yeah, I like that one. Ryan: I’m telling you, this one’s full. Matt: Yeah I mean- I mean, they’re all good. (black man muttering) Matt: This is it. This is the one. Ryan: You know how they say: a father doesn’t know how much he can love their child until it’s born? Ryan: Well know I know what that feels like. Ryan: How you doing, dude? (Ryan coughing) Matt: Wow! Look at this beaut! (Ryan and Matt kiss the tree) Ryan: Don’t you get a rash if you touch ’em? (Matt spitting) (Ryan giggling) Matt: Ah, nothing matches the seats like a nice layer of sap. Matt: And we’re good! Awesome. Ryan: Tucker, we wish *you* a merry- stop it. Don’t- Matt: Alright, Tucker, you, uh, got a ride home? Matt: Stop- (Man yelling “Do you have any vegetables?) (Groan) Matt: I don’t- Matt: You filming? Ryan: Yeah? Matt: I don’t know what- what we’re supposed to be saying right now. Ryan: (giggling) Yeah. (Tucker laughing) Matt: We got our Christmas tree- it’s a big one, and we’re about to decorate it. Matt: Stop- let me- let me help! Ryan: The other side- I’ll step on it. Ryan: Fuck- Ryan: Ah, it’s beautifu- it’s a- it’s a little dead. Ryan: Why don’t we just fluff it out- Matt: Just fluff it. Matt: We’re fluffers. Matt: Wow. There’s a lot of needles falling off. Ryan: Get the ornaments- Matt: Dude- your penis- put your pants on! (background music stops) Matt: Jesus Christ! Ryan: Calm down, you fucking ninny! (Bauble clattering) Tucker: Nice. (Bauble rolls onto floor) Tucker: Nice. Tucker: Hey, look at that, Ryan, ya did it. Matt: Anyone want some, uh, Christmas tree spray? (coughing) Tucker: what is this here? Tucker: what’s this here? Ryan: It’s- it’s how ya- make ornaments Ryan (whispering angrily): Tucker! You’re making me look bad! Matt: Christmas tree spray, it’s Christmas tree spray! Tucker: (groans and coughs) Matt: Dude don’t spit on the carpet! Tucker: Yo yo that smells- too strong. Ryan: Oh God! Matt: That’s really strong Ryan: you`re that ass hole with axe body spray in a locker room right now Ryan:Quick Matt! Turn off the lights Matt: (sarcastically): Oh wow! Ryan: What a pathetic little tree! Matt: Stop it! Stop! Stop! (Dramatic Music) Matt: We’ve got two choices of, uh, tree topper. We’ve got, “Daddy’s Home” Which, uh.. Neil Pawn from “Parade” said: Matt: Um.. It’s Dad Vs. Stepdad It’s Hilarious and heart warming And then we’ve got-we’ve got Jack Frost Which “He’s the world’s coolest dad and he’s gonna prove it” “Micheal Keaton is a rock-and-roll dad who get’s one last chance to fine tune his life.” “And prove that ICE guys, finsh first” “In this wild fantasy adventure, frosted with a BLIZZARD of special effects” I’m feeling this one Ryan: Yeah Ryan: *Burps Intensely” Ryan: There’s no art!? Is there no art on the DVD? Matt: What? What the fuck is this? Matt: Man..that’s Christmas right there. Matt: That’s just like when I was a kid. Ryan: And a Happy New Year Don’t tell Ryan I got his Christmas gift right here Ryan: *Mumble* *Random Cough* Merry Christmas!

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